Wear & Tear

Yesterday was a tough Monday. It started with an extra long work day filled with a lot of frustration. When I left work I felt exhausted and a little beat up. All day I had a very uneasy feeling about Mark's intense testing this week. This is scenario week. Scenarios test the cadets by having them act out real life situations. For example, they have to respond to an armed robbery or a domestic violence. They are intense tests because they combine everything the cadets have learned up to this point. Not only do they need to know how to handle each scenario, they need to know what penal code they are arresting any suspect for, and if it is a misdemeanor or felony, etc. This is a very good test because I think everyone would agree that a new cop can't go into his first armed robbery having never practiced or experienced anything close to it! Scenarios are a big deal because they are typically the last thing cadets fail. A cadet gets two chances to pass each scenario. If they fail their second attempt they are out of the academy. Even though Mark had spent the past few weeks (and weekends) preparing for this, I still couldn't help but worry.

Fast forward to a few hours later. I got a call from Mark that he passed all of the day's scenarios but one. My heart sank. The mistake he made was something he could easily correct when he retested but knowing he had only one more chance to pass or his career was over sent me over the edge. Of course I couldn't let him know this. That is the hardest part of him being in the academy. I know I need to stay positive and not tell him about the little problems that come up in daily life. My goal is to minimize his stress so he can focus on graduating. Mark has been in this position once before. He had to retest on one thing a couple of months ago and it was all or nothing. That did not affect me like last night did. I was a wreck.

I was happy my sister called me to talk me through it. She gave me a verse that helped calm me down:

I knew I needed to put this into practice, but that is often easier said then done. I knew in my head that Mark had a very good chance at passing his second time around. He is always good under that sort of pressure. But for some reason I couldn't let my feelings go. I think part of it is the long haul of this academy. In one sense we only have 5 more weeks after this Friday!! I can definitely see the finish line. On the other hand, we have been at this for 22 weeks. The daily grind and stress just wears on us and our family. It drains us physically and mentally. I think last night was my low. Maybe it was the fact that I am so tired. Maybe it was that this obstacle pushed that once visible finish line just out of view. Maybe it was a combination of both. Whatever it was, I went to bed last night deflated and very upset.

This morning I didn't feel too much better. It took a lot of effort to hold it together as I talked with my dad this morning. I knew I needed to give this to God. I had no control over the situation. I kept praying and thinking about the verse my sister gave me. It wasn't until about 9am that I finally felt peace. A good coworker came into work at that time and I was able to explain the situation to her. When I heard myself say it out loud I somehow recognized that God has a plan and knows what is best for Mark and me. My worrying does nothing for the situation but make it worse. I felt I could finally give up control and be at rest. It's amazing the peace God can give you in the most stressful situations. It was like a blanket of calm that came over me.

So as of this evening, Mark had passed the additional five scenarios he had today. All he has left to do is retest on that one scenario Thursday. He will be staying at the academy Wednesday night with no liberty so he can practice with the instructors. Thursday will be a big day, but I finally have peace that God's plan will prevail.

This weekend Mark has his ride along in San Jose. We have two nights booked in a hotel down there. I am confident we will be heading down there Friday. Let me tell you, I am going to love climbing into a comfy bed and getting a good night's rest after this week!

~Hannah

2. Image from here